Boo and Me: an ongoing saga
January 2013 – May 2016
Me: Uh, Boo, I think you tilled my comfrey up.
Jack: Oh, damn. I’m sorry.
Me: That’s okay. Expect it to be all over the place now.
Me: *blending away at my apothecary space, aka: computer desk*
Jack: “What are you messing with?”
Me: “Oh, hops, valerian, skullcap, oats, passionflower and chamomile. Why?”
Jack: “It smells like nasty socks in here.”
Me: “Yeah. That’s the valerian.” *loopy grin* “Want some?”
Jack: “Uh. No.”
Jack is getting ready to cook a ham for his sister.
Jack: “Did you use all the brandy?” Me: “I guess so.”
Jack: *deep sigh*
Me: “I only stole it that one time. I don’t know why you’re trippin.”
Jack: *cuts eyes at me while diggin into his whisky stash*
I always run out of alcohol on Sunday.
*eyeballs Jack’s whiskey and chews fingernail*
I asked real sweetly, and Jack let me have some of his brandy for my wild roses. My Boo is a good man.
Me *upon arriving home from work*: “Hey Boo. Has Sister made it home yet?”
Jack *smoking a cigarette in the carport*: “Apparently, she never left.”
Me: “What do you mean???”
Jack: “Well, I happened to look into the house through the living room window, and she was staring at me from inside. I went to check on her and she was gone. So either I am hallucinating, or Sister never left the building.”
Me: “Well, where is she?”
Jack: “I don’t know. Probably plastered against the ceiling somewhere.”
Jack: What are you doing?
Me: Making pain salve.
Jack: *wrinkles nose*
Me: Wut. You don’t have to be all sour about it.
Jack: I am just concerned about what it will do to the pots.
Me: It’s okay, Boo. I do it all the time, and you’ve never noticed.
Me: *walks carefully through the house with a goblet filled with water and stones in each hand. Headed outside to le full moon.*
Jack: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Making magic. Get the door for me, Boo.”
Jack: “I’ll be back in a minute. I’m going to look for my chainsaw.”
Me *all fluttery*: “Uh. Wait. What are you gonna do?”
Jack looks back at me all confused. “I’m going to cut up that pine and haul it away.”
Me: “Uh. Wait. I need you to save me some branches and needles for medicine.”
Me: “And I need you to leave the dogwood branches.”
Me: “And I need you to leave the cedars.”
Jack gives me that look.
Yeah. That one.
Me: “What?! They’re small.”
Jack *big sigh* “Okay.”
So he gets a hug.
Me: “Thank you for helping me make medicine, Boo.”
Jack: “You’re welcome.”
Jack is trying to move stuff out of the riding lawnmower seat, and a wren flies out of the shopvac filter *you know, the filter that has not been properly cleaned and returned to the shopvac since Memommy’s kitchen flooded over a month ago*.
Jack… Dana. Come here. Look inside that filter over there.
Wren… Screaming at us from the nearby fence.
Me… Did you find her nest? Move away from it. She’s upset.
Wren… Still screaming.
Jack… I’m trying to move this lawn mower. She’s gonna be a lot more upset in a minute.
Wren… Now pissed and screaming. Hopping towards us a bit along the fence.
Me… You better back away, Boo. She’s gonna take you out.
Jack… *muttering* I don’t know why she thinks she needs that filter. There’s a perfectly good coffee can in the corner.
Me (on phone with Jack): “Hey Boo! Happy 11 year anniversary!”
Jack (aka “boo”): “Uh. *silence* Thanks.”
Me: “I just looked at my phone and saw the date. I’m sure you have been waiting for my call all morning.”
Jack: “Yeah. I was so hurt.”
Me: “I’m sure you were, baby. Just so you know, it’s your job to remember the wedding anniversary. It’s my job to remember the dating anniversary.”
Jack: “Okay. Great.”
We’re listening to music. We bought Jack a turntable for his vinyl records. Cuz you know, that’s how we roll. Boz Skaggs is blasting outta the speakers right now and Jack says: “I bought this record in 1973.”
Me (smiling): “I was 2.”
Me: *stares blankly at the computer*
Jack: What are you doing?
Me: *mumbles something about having 8 tabs open and so much to do*
Jack: Here’s some wine. Come out back and stare into the dark for a while.
15 minutes later we’re listening to Dire Straits and laughing like loons.
I love that man.
Me: “Hey Boo. Checkit out.”
(swings freshly shaved legs onto his lap)
Jack: “Mmmm.” (rub)
Me: “I did it Just for You.”
Jack, aka Boo: What is that black stuff on the floor?
Me: oh, that must be some pleather from my chair.
Boo: *raises eyebrow at me*
Me: I sure have enjoyed my chair, Boo.
Boo: I am sure you have; you’ve been living in it for three years.
Me: Hey my Boo.
Jack: What’s up?
Me: Happy 12th anniversary.
Jack: Oh, that’s nice.
Me: I love you.
Jack: Love you too.
Me: “Ermagawd I found my FUZZY PRINCESS SLIPPERS!!!!
Jack: *sighs* “I’m so glad.”
Me: “OMG I am such an amazing wife. You’re so lucky, my Boo.”
Jack: *hugs me* “I’m glad you think so.”
Jack sees me limping in a pitiful manner: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I just cut a gash in my leg.”
Jack *looking down* “It’s a cut.”
Me: “It’s an enormous GASH.”
Jack: “It’s a scrape.”
Me: “It was awful!!”
Jack: “I’ll send flowers.”
Me, in the carport, getting my smudge on. Jack pulls up.
Me: Hey Boo.
Jack: Hey. What are you doing?
Me: Well, you have to smoke outside, so I am… smoking outside.
Lovely nighttime sounds at the Bailey house:
Jack: “Dammit.” *scuffles at front door* “Willoughby, NO. Dana, come here and catch this frog!”
Me, saying good night to Jack: “Night, Boo. I just want you to know that I’m brilliant.”
Boo: “I already know.”
Me: *fondles and lusts over the huge, amazing, gorgeous malachite stone… then picks up the much less expensive purple fluorite* “I’ll take this fluorite.”
Jack: *walks up to the stones* “I’ll take that green rock.”
We’ve got some severe weather going down in our area.
Me: Now Boo, if you get scared, you just let me know.
Jack: I’m sure you’ll get right on it.
A dead pine fell in today’s storm, knocking down our power lines. I have called the electric company and they’re sending someone out to put the lines back up.
Me: Boo? Can you come home and help me make sure they don’t cut down our native azaleas and dogwoods and whatnot? I have already told them that our yard is “a sanctuary for native plants”.
Jack: Yeah. Don’t cut anything that grows like crazy here.
Me: Boo… *sad voice*
Jack: I’ll see what I can do.
Me: If you’re not here, I may be reduced to begging them to have mercy on my plants. I may even have to run outside without a bra on.
Jack: I know how this works. Your way would be much more effective. If I get home, I’ll stay out of the way.
Jack: What are you doing?
Me: *pulls ear plugs out of my ears* I’m listening to a LCSW talk about being in private practice.
Me: I’m so excited. I want to learn ALL THE THINGS.
Jack: I’ve noticed.
Me: Hey Boo! There are 2 gray snakes in the front yard doing the nasty!
Jack: Huh? Where?
Me: In the front flower bed, right off the porch. I startled one of them when I opened the front door, and he raced behind the corner flower pot. I told him I wasn’t going to hurt him.
Jack: What’d he say?
Me: He wasn’t buying it.