I wrote the following to myself in June of this year… over 5 months ago now. I put it away and just found it again tonight.
“I feel a subtle shift. It is deep within me, though; deep down to my bones. And something is rising up… bubbling to the surface… beginning to make itself known…
But I have no words.
I am a big word person. I need to be clear so that I can understand myself and others; so I can see and recognize and honor our boundaries, and words help me do that.
So when I feel this shift, this movement that begins softly and discreetly and slowly becomes a force that can no longer be ignored, my first impulse is to try to give it a name. A word. A phrase. A title.
I ask Spirit:
What is this?
What does this mean for me and my work?
Who am I now because of this?
I sit with Divine Presence and I listen. And I wait. And the shift gets bigger. And I get a bit nervous, so I start searching again. What could it be? How will I need to prepare for this change in my work? My life? And then I realize I am not sitting anymore. I am not listening
to my body.
to my spirit.
to the divine.
So I drum. I light my candle. I burn my sage and sweetgrass and palo santo. I give thanks and I return to my training to go within and listen. I allow the elements to assist me. Air to give me clarity and focus. Fire to burn away all of the extraneous things that were sparkly at one time but that no longer serve me. Water to cleanse me and allow me to grieve and let go of what I thought I wanted. Earth to ground me and to hold me as I wait and listen. And Spirit to give me comfort and peace as I wait.
And I realize that I don’t need words.”
When I stopped needing to describe anything, Courage took my hands, smiled at me and said, “Let’s play.”
She whispered, “Don’t look back. I’m right here.”
She said, “Here, purchase this house,” and then she giggled when I believe I have lost my mind. She says, “I dare you to stop teaching continuing education to massage therapists and teach something you love instead.”
I took that dare.
I bought that house.
I’m teaching that class.
And I still don’t have the damn words.